What Would Love Do Now? Lessons from 40 Years

Someone recently asked me to share my “secrets” for a relationship that grows stronger with age.

I don’t have secrets. What I have is an approach.

Relationships don’t thrive because of a formula or a checklist. They grow because of the way you approach them. And your approach determines the landing—again and again.

Over four decades together, my husband and I have learned, practiced, stumbled, and tried again—choosing each other, and choosing love, over and over.

Here’s what I have learned.

Replace Expectations with Intentions

Silent (and not-so-silent) expectations weigh heavily on relationships.

We expect our partner to know, fix, change, and read our minds. When they don’t, we stew in disappointment.

Intentions are lighter. Kinder. They guide us like a GPS, anchoring us in possibility instead of resentment.

When you set an intention, you choose your approach and your priorities for the day, the moment, or the conversation—love, connection, peace, joy.

Intentions open doors. Expectations close them.

Choose Love—Again and Again

Love isn’t just something you feel. It’s something you choose.

In the middle of the dishes. In a moment of miscommunication.

When one of you is growing faster—or slower—than the other.

That’s when the question really matters: What would love do now?

And then—you do that.

Prioritize Health—Body and Mind

There is no relationship without physical and mental well-being.

Love would never ask you to sacrifice your health, your inner peace, or your joy for the long haul.

Over the years, we’ve taken turns. I went to medical school. He went to law school. I was sick. He was sick. I pivoted. He pivoted. We adjusted. We made space.

Sometimes that meant compromise.

Sometimes it meant walking a new path together.

Always, it meant protecting each other’s health.

When you’re well, your relationship can carry you both.

When one of you is not, it strains you both.

Stay Friends. Have Fun.

Friendship is underrated in long-term love.

Keep it light and easy, just as you would with a friend.

Fun is the fertilizer for intimacy, and it changes over time.

What’s fun at 16 may not be fun at 56.

Love finds new ways to laugh and have fun together.

Choose Trust

Trust is built in the dull, ordinary moments—the showing up, the staying, the forgiving, the trying again. Even when you let each other down (and you will),

Expect and Accept Growth and Change

Over forty years, we’ve both changed—many times. That’s the point. Resentment grows when you expect otherwise.

Love expects growth. Love allows it. Love embraces it.

Let It Go and Collaborate

Sometimes love is letting go, forgiving, forgetting, and allowing space. Sometimes it’s working together—not to win, not to tally points, but to co-create a life.

Mindset Is Everything

Assume good intent. Focus on what’s working. Remember who you’re talking to: someone you love, and someone who loves you.

Your mindset can turn your relationship into a sanctuary—or a battlefield. Love chooses sanctuary.

A good relationship isn’t effortless. But it isn’t supposed to be excruciating either.

It’s meant to grow with you, not hold you back.

What I know after forty years is that love deepens when you keep choosing it—over and over, intentionally, and with grace.

It’s not about grand gestures. It’s about living a life that honors the relationship as something alive.

The secret to relationships that grow over time is your approach.

So ask yourself: What would love do now? And then—choose that.