Surprise vs Satisfaction

When it comes to giving gifts—and receiving them—we usually have to choose to prioritize surprise or satisfaction.

Rarely do both happen equally.

And yet many of us work so hard to make both happen simultaneously.

We judge ourselves as a failure when they don’t.

Naming the inherent tension between surprise and satisfaction takes pressure off.

It softens the sense of “failure” you feel when you aren’t able to read someone’s mind or heart and guess “right.”

The tradeoff (and why it matters)

When you go for surprise:

How often are you—or they—actually satisfied?

How often are you—or they—disappointed?

Just seeing that there is a real tradeoff can be… a relief.

Prioritizing is power

A great children’s book called Would You Rather? came to mind when I first heard the idea of surprise vs satisfaction.

Because the real key here is the word prioritizing.

Prioritizing goes beyond choice.

It puts you back in control.

It is deliberate and intentional.

When you prioritize the delight of surprise—that is the gift.

When you prioritize satisfaction—that is the gift.

One more layer (especially in neurodiverse relationships)

Even when you prioritize satisfaction, the other person still might not “get it right.”

You can tell them exactly what you want—a gift, help around the house, grocery shopping, whatever…

and they might still miss the mark.

They can try very hard to follow the directions and still not succeed in satisfying you.

For those of you in neurodiverse relationships, this can be especially true.

And here’s the twist:

You can still prioritize satisfaction anyway.

You can choose to be satisfied anyway.

Why not?

So: prioritize surprise or prioritize satisfaction. And then choose satisfaction—no matter what.

Decide not to be dissatisfied.

Enjoy what is.

Feeling satisfied feels great. And sometimes, it is the greatest gift.