The Conditions for True Connection

My husband and I watched a movie last weekend that was ultimately about “true connection.”

It was about high school sweethearts who had been pulled apart by life. They reconnect 22 years later in a grocery store and spend an evening together.

The film is intentionally shot in black and white.

Two people, two colors.

The filmmaker said he chose to do this to eliminate distractions from the connection between the characters.

It made me think about how rare true connection is.

Rare to witness. Rare to feel. Especially amidst the noise and distractions of the world today.

I met my husband a little more than 41 years ago at a small, nerdy high school in the 80s.

Like the two characters in the movie, we were high school sweethearts.

We also had what I would call a true connection.

Similar to the characters in the movie, the connection simply was.

In my experience, when you find a true connection, you almost always know you have found it.

It feels different.

Deep. Alive. Yet also peaceful and settled.

Like home.

I am not just talking about romantic connection.

True connection can happen in friendships and family relationships. Some people have it with a grandmother, an aunt, or even a neighbor. It can happen with someone you have not seen in decades. It can happen with a new person who somehow feels familiar almost immediately.

What happens to the true connections we find in life is often about choice.

What do we do when we find them?

Do we prioritize and treasure them?

Do we let disconnection happen when something gets in the way?

Do we allow ourselves to be fully present for the experience of connection?

If we have lost track of someone, do we reach out and take a risk when the opportunity to reconnect arises?

One reason true connections do not continue is that society often tells us there might be something better out there.

Keep searching.

More experience is better.

More connections, whether or not they are true, are better.

If you happen to find a true connection in high school—or sometimes even elementary school—you are told you are too young to know.

I disagree.

True connection is rare enough that when you find it and feel it, you know.

You may not have the words for it. But at a somatic level, the connection is felt.

When we are always wondering if there is something better out there, we can miss what is right in front of us.

The movie made me ponder the conditions under which we are more likely to find true connection.

The characters lived in a small rural town. They seemed comfortable being their weird, authentic selves. They were not hurried, rushed, or stressed when the connection happened.

They were present.

My husband and I met at an unusual, small school where being your authentic self was not just acceptable, but encouraged. Though the high school was known for stress, there was a lot more time for presence than in most of one’s life.

My son and his wife met in a small, innovative study-abroad program on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, with minimal running water and electricity and no cell service or internet. They both felt the pull of that program. When they felt the pull, they trusted their intuition and took the risk.

Small is a word I noticed.

Unique, different, and authentic are themes too.

As is a willingness to take a risk.

The true connections in these stories seem to have been found in environments where the people were finely sifted by the universe to end up there. Environments that allowed space for presence, as well as time and space to connect deeply, without much distraction from the larger world.

A good friend from college, whom I had not seen in 35 years, recently reached out to ask if she and the couple she travels with could stay with us overnight.

She took a risk reaching out.

We took a risk saying yes.

We reconnected almost immediately. Her husband and travel buddies were right-fit connections as well.

We are grateful that we took the risk.

Connection is worth it.

Sometimes we are lucky enough to land in settings that make connection possible.

We can also choose them and create them.

Small gatherings. Time and space. Less distraction. Places where we can be fully ourselves.

This is something I have intentionally built into Pause & Presence. The groups are tiny. There is room to pause. There is room to be fully authentically yourself. And there is time and space to connect deeply—with yourself and with other women physicians.

Explore Pause & Presence retreats for women physicians

Being able to be fully yourself in the company of like-minded, nonjudgmental people can lead us to notice true connection—with ourselves and with others.

This is likely one reason many women keep coming back to retreats.

It is also one reason some find new connections at retreats worth maintaining, even over long distances.

A client told me recently that she is still in regular contact with and receiving support from two women in her retreat group. Their retreat was over a year ago, and none of them live anywhere near each other.

I also recently received a card from a client in my Advanced Coaching group that said:

“I underestimated how profoundly Deeper Connections would affect my life.”

The serendipity was not lost on me.

True connection can change a life.

Where in your life do you have a true connection that you may be taking for granted?

Who might you reach out to?

What risk might be worth taking?

If you are longing for more space, presence, and meaningful connection, learn about upcoming retreats as well as small group coaching for women physicians.