Coaching for Marriage: A Physician’s Relationship Reset
Editor’s Note (February 2026): This post was updated with a few new reflections and current links.
I thought I was a long-term relationship “expert.”
My husband and I have now been together for 40 years and married for almost 33.
And even with the most steadfast commitment and deep love, relationships can be hard work.
When children, high-stress careers, illness, and mental illness enter in, things get even more complicated.
When I recently found myself caught in the mire and the muck—the frustration, the isolation, the confusion—I stumbled upon coaching.
It was a game changer for me… even and especially when the playing field includes mental health.
Coaching is not couples counseling or therapy
Coaching is not couples counseling.
It is not therapy.
It is not focused on “fixing” anyone.
It is not focused on fixing the relationship, meeting in the middle, or meeting your partner’s needs.
Coaching is focused on you.
On how you want to show up.
Coaching is putting your own oxygen mask on first.
Learning to pause, be present, and notice.
And then cleaning up your own mental clutter so you can show up for your relationship—and the rest of your life—in the way you actually want.
The “manual” you have for your partner
Coaching helps you become aware of the manual you have for your partner.
We all have them.
The unsaid expectations.
The rules we didn’t announce out loud—but feel irritated, hurt, or let down when they aren’t followed.
Dumping every single one of these expectations onto paper—and examining them in detail, no matter how big or small they seem—is eye-opening.
And life-changing.
Because it helps you see what you’ve been carrying.
And what you’ve been using as evidence that something is wrong.
The shift: dropping the manual
Once you are aware of your manual, you can choose to drop it.
Nobody wants to.
We want to hold on to what we think we deserve.
To the story of how we should be treated.
To the idea that if someone would just change, we’d feel better.
And yet… what you are left with when you finally do drop it is this:
A choice to accept and love your partner exactly as they are—
strengths, weaknesses, illnesses, idiosyncrasies, and all.
There is no fixing or changing them.
There is no fighting reality.
Each of you gets to be authentically you.
This is when things begin to shift.
This is when the magic starts to happen.
P.S. This works in more places than marriage
This work applies to all relationships—
including with your mother… and yes, even with your job.